Sure within reason. The idea of where we are in danger is terribly skewed in the US. Theres like 1 hour of down time. I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. One learns to cope AT&T helps, also. But don't worry, Daisy. As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. Excuse me? The following photos show exactly what can go wrong when you try to take a family photo. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. A pregnant woman recently asked the internet for advice after her husband refused to attend any of their doctor appointments. Look at it again. Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. Exactly. OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. And I asked to go but thats out of the question. Ding ding ding! Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. You can find prostitution and gambling in lots of cities, large and small, if youre looking for temptation. Last year when she went not only did I work my 2 jobs but I tiled our laundry room to stay busy and keep my mind on things. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? FWIW, I am a married woman and had to travel to Vegas many times for work, and had to drive to dozens of locations the entire time. Yeah and Ill add that it makes the advice people are giving much less likely to be effective/heard/followed by the OP if people are attacking a man she presumably loves and finds reasonable outside of this situation. Japan is absurdly safe, even if that is no comfort to people when something bad does happen. Whats more surprising is that youre the main provider. Not that it makes it ok, at all. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. My mom believes that her quiet suburban neighborhood and my own are overrun by prowling sex offenders when the sun goes down. My own partner has no issue with me going out of state for geek conventions a couple times a year, with people Ive known longer than him, sometimes sharing mixed-gender rooms. Companies hold meetings in Vegas because there are tons of conference rooms, hotel rooms, and restaurants, and its easy to get a direct flight there from virtually anywhere in the country, not because there is some bizarre motive to break up marriages or cause scandals among employees. This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. This. People in my family are prone to anxiety disorders manifesting themselves in this way (including me, yay! P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. Some people may have only a negative perception of Vegas, but the important thing is realizing that kneejerk perception is actually inaccurate. Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. within arms range. Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. Dont choke or burn yourself! Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. Yeah, I saw that. Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. Congratulations! He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. Its been a while, but the last time I went to Vegas, we went to a Cirque du Soleil show, did a lot of shoe shopping, and took a drive out to the hoover dam (and took a cool tour). Should I take him into account? He will tell me if something is wrong as I will. Why wont he go on the trip with you? Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. Theres a limit to how much they can make if they limit themselves to those who want risqu and sleavy. Ill throw this out too just in case. Im betting its either a case of asking leading questions, an over-reporting of the amount of agreement received, or hearing more agreement than was actually being expressed on the part of OPs husband. At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. I worry about things constantly. It got dark on my (2-hour!) I just want to come back to the point about where the first fear of his that you list off, OP, is that youre going to cheat on him. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. Im not diagnosing at all. Yep, this was one of my thoughts this might be a seriously overactive anxiety problem at work. I do sympathize with what you are dealing with. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. They may not all work for you, but I hope that at least some will be helpful. That would be buying in to his controlling behavior and it would be a bad move for their relationship. Counseling perhaps. ^ +1000, this was the most mind-boggling to me as well. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. So I do think theres a chance this is just a Vegas thing. Its an incredibly effective manipulation technique. I think that couples counseling is the best place to start, no matter what the underlying problem is, because its a relationship problem that hes laying on her. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. Be very very wary of ever harming your career or earning potential because of the desires of another person. My grandmother pays for the trip. What if the wife had a job that required lots of travel, but paid well and allowed them to live a good lifestyle. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. Both of us have traveled the world for pleasure and business in the 15 years. I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. Whether anxiety is a contributing factor or not, thats all it is. Its fine. Heres to many years of not feeling needless guilt. Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. And lets not forget: its entirely possible for someone to dabble in being a controlling, selfish jerk without really rising to the level of abuse or being an abuser. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. Literally cannot learn your brain switches off the learning & memory centres of your brain while its priming your legs to flee the sabre-toothed dire wolves of your imagination. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. My mom cancelled their first date and was always busy when he tried to reschedule until she finally gave in. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home. It was a blast! Things to consider!! Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. Both individuals will benefit from communication tools to use in challenging this kind of worry-filled thinking. At night, the most fun people have is maybe a different ink at a nearby bar otherwise theyre too tired and ttying to get their shit together for the next day ir for tomorrows flight. While we were there, her then-husband called and texted her literally every ten minutes. The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. Thank you so much for being the voice of reason here. I wish this would have been the first comment because it frames the issue perfectly. Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. I wouldnt want him to go with work but only because I wouldnt want him to go without me, its our place! So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. Ive actually been there and I agree its overplayed and that corporate concerns are more about flights and conference rooms but its weird to act like youve never heard this stereotype. He needs to get help and you need to do whats best for you and your career (and your sanity!). I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party. <3. Another is that hes questioning the companys motives. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. We took a shorter trip while he we breastfeeding and and still did it the same. I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. I mean, she could get kidnapped! For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. If youre from a community where a spouse needs to sign off on business travel and letting you go is a real thing, I suggest couples counseling to explore that. For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. The more I advance in my company, an the more trips I take, the harder it gets. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. Just in case. Well discuss, compromise, agree to disagree, but I do NOT need permission. who believe the TV/movie depictions of the city and sort of forget that there are people who live there and work there, going about their everyday lives. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! Except I divorced mine. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. A month? rarely cede ground. You cant change his feelings and reactions, you can only control your own. I also am a pretty straight laced married woman whos been in the same committed relationship for two decades and most of those trips were without my partner. Since I took the position five years ago, they have sent management on a three-day business trip each year. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. Or leave? I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. But also, this is pretty clearly a business and financial question. I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. Right now hes in Alaska shooting a documentary. The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. I travel for work a lot, and quite often to Vegas people have conventions and meetings in Vegas because (1) the attendees generally like it and (2) there are a lot of hotels and meeting space. I have no idea. Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. Meanwhile their actual problem is almost ignored. Yeah, this. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). It feels as if the OPs husband is just latching onto the location as an excuse. Las Vegas facilities can serve dinner to 5000+ people in less than 30 minutes without breaking a sweat. I remember when I was young, if my mom went out to run errands and said shed be back at 4 and it was 4:15 I would panic. What is wrong with people? In either case though, go on the trip. You can also rent a ballroom or a conference hall for insanely cheap. Thoughts? Lots to see and do. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. Thats what I was thinking. making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. (Somehow I did survive!). This is a case where you cannot cater to his anxiety or insecurity. My mother is like this about my neighborhood because Im miles away from Philadelphia. Youve talked about what your husband thinks of the trip, and what you reckon the impact of going and not going would be on your career. It was BAD. Itll be a cold day in Hell before my husband allows/gives me permission to do anything. IMO once you start catering to this kind of thing, it does not ever get better. Apparently the husband hasnt been to Las Vegas recently, because now its like Disneyland with slot machines. You can have a couple days where youre focused on other things! And as Alison so deftly explained it, the rest is all a matter of trust within the marriage. That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. Ive had several week-long business trips in CA the last few years and its a non-event. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. I bet youll have a blast. Note however, I dont think this excuses the employees OR means that its wrong to have a corporate event in Vegas. My SO has been to more conferences in Vegas than I think anywhere else because of the ease with which hotel rooms can be acquired. I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. There are some really great desert trails out there! This isnt a man with an anxiety problem. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? Other National Geographic Family Journeys from G Adventures include bucket-list family vacation destinations like Iceland, Japan, South Africa, Peru, Costa Rica, Morocco, and Vietnam. Everyone thinks youre wrong.. The whole phrase what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas bothers him. It has helped me also to understand where that response came from not just the ex baggage, but early childhood experiences damaged his basic trust, which he is working on. Exactly this. !1 into a discussion? We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. Just that it might be (MIGHT) an explanation. Bartending is legitimate work too. One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. Good for you,OP, for asking how to deal with a difficult situation. Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. We can take care of ourselves. Iasked ifI could come. Well, they need to work on their relationship. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. You dont ever want to put yourself in a position of relaying solely on his for financial support because you then lose the ability to leave if you need to. Ifthings are still strained, wewould recommend setting upanappointment with amediator ortherapist who specializes incouples therapy. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. But not the end of the world. The OP should do both. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. 6. Yeah Im kind of surprised people are acting like theyve never heard anything bad about Vegas. And in 2 days Im heading east solo for a wedding. My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. Hah. First, therapy is good, but medication is faster. My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. Hes not Master of the House. I say this because I have a hard time believing that someone who had actually been to Vegas would hold these opinions about it honestly its not my favorite place because I find it too crazy and overstimulating, but I have never felt I was in any kind of danger. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. If this isreally about more than the fear of cheating, it sounds like there arepretty serious anxiety issues in play here. A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. Fiance knew this, but he was taking no chances. I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. Im not going to be lured into seedy underworld just because its there! Roller coasters! Fiance also didnt want me to go to an industry event because admission was closed to non-members; he couldnt just drop by to say hello, and how would he know if I was okay? (Not the same thing, but my wife had continuing education there and brought me. The Rio does have huge rooms! This was pre cell phone so it meant finding payphones. What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. either. My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. I got sent there about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled (and my husband was happy for me). Id dump him. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. Instead, things got worse. If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! Just dont! as a 1000 decibel chorus of YES! But I am going to totally disagree with you that its not a relationship problem. My grandmother pays for the trip. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? The non-work things generally arent my cup of tea and if I want shows/museums/food Ill go to NY, London, Paris, Istanbul. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. Im going to Vegas and thats the end of discussion. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. He may not listen and will keep bringing it up, but its worth a shot (and then repeating)! :D. Its doubly absurd because Tokyo is, I would wager, THE safest big metropolitan city in the world. She has a job where you travel, and to him that probably sounds like shes achieving well (and she very well is) when *he is not,* comparatively. I know right? They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. how do I get out of an active-shooter drill at my office? Certainly do not risk your career by bailing on this completely reasonable work trip. Who was the genius with the idea to build a tourist trap in a desert? Collect them from travel agents and show it to your husband, wife or partner. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. Good luck and please update us! Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). Rape! I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Shes gone twice now and all they do is drink and gamble! Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. This is not a normal or healthy response from a spouse, and it needs to change. Because reallyif the intent is there, a spouse can cheat anywhere. :). There are so many things that could be gong on here. I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. I have to remind myself of that sometimes; I think you should remind yourself that too. I thought it was supposed to be would NEVER let their significant others go. Its the kind of autocorrect my phone makes; even/never. But VEGAS?! Only discussing the precise words given in the letter: Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Him trying to get her to conform to a cultural norm that shes rejecting isnt necessary toxic, but just because its somebodys culture doesnt mean they get to impose it on others. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? When the plans were being made hubby was not over excited but was ok with it. Your level of trust in him. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. I think theres sometimes a tendency in certain corners of the internet to equate I have to talk to my partner about X before I can do it or My partner doesnt want me to do Y with OMG controlling relationship!, when there are lots of circumstances where that kind of thing is totally reasonable. My husband has been in counseling and on medication for his mental health. Business trips (and business trips to Las Vegas even) are such a normal part of work life that is is totally bizarre to expect you not to go simply because of the destination.
Poshmark Replica Warning, Articles H
Poshmark Replica Warning, Articles H